I can vent my own idiocies.

I swear this picture is worth 1000 words about guy number 8.

Its not detrimental though. I was totally into him for a while…

LOL

His friends were JOKERS.

Im not sure if this guy even exists. That is the best way I can put across how he lives in my brain. I can talk about him, without much trouble… But I just dont know if LF is a proper person.. Does that sound strange?

He caused a lot of damage. Whether I created him or not, he caused a lot of damage.

He’s gone now.. So its ok.

Ghost. Brilliant. Living on only in my head.

—out.x

Mahatma Gandhi.

Napoleon Bonaparte.

I feel I am coming across as a sad, emo bitch. So here’s something I think is effing brilliant. JOKE!

I wish boys were like this. I just wish Buckley was mine to be honest. He is perfect for me.

They love it when you put the balls in. All the time iv done it — which is loads…

Ooooook, number 7.

I cant remember how it started.

I think it was texts, although I dont remember how we got each others numbers..

I believe it was midway through year11. Or maybe the end of year11. Or maybe the summer. I was on or about 16, anyway.

NB was sweet, funny, kind, and treated me like I was the prettiest girl in the whole world. He seemed to enjoy my conversation, and be constantly grateful, and, quite frankly, amazed, that I was into him.

He made me feel so, so special.

We did coupley things together, picnics on the field, films in the loft, babysitting his sisters - who I miss to this day… shopping, reading to each other, the whole lot. It was brilliant. But it wasnt public.

NB didnt want any ‘commitments’, like me being his girl. He was going to SA, and that school had to come first.

Then I found out he was seeing somebody else.

I told him to go to hell, and dropped all contact.

He contacted me a few months later, full of regret, saying he missed me in his life… and I gave him a second chance, just for friendship.

That didnt last very long.

Before long we were right back to where we had started.. and I was loving it. Im pretty sure I was loving him. Eesh!

Everything was beautiful for another small while… and then Valentines day came around, and I wanted to see him. He was babysitting his sisters, so couldnt.

It was a little while before I found out that was a lie.

This time the girl was at my school. KL. Oh, NB. Not even careful this time. We were friends. We had classes together.

We were year12s by this point, and NB hadnt returned to school, having gone to SA. But KL had come back.. We were just talking about what had been going on at the weekends, she excitedly whispered me that things had happened with NB, and when she saw my face I think she instantly realised what was happening.

We acted all empowered as we left him a voicemail. Together. To let him know we were wise to him, and we were both finished with him, and he was a prick, and bye.

When KL was out of my sight I broke down. She didnt know this had already happened to me.

A long time after we did that, I started getting texts, phonecalls and emails from this guy. I ignored the majority, and every now and again would tell him to fuck off.

Then one day he turned up on my doorstep.

NB sat in my house and begged for forgiveness. He said when he thought about what a horrible person he had been, it made him sick. He said he really hated not being able to talk to me whenever he wanted, not having me around. He said his sisters missed me.

He cried. He sobbed his little heart out.

And I dont think I was that stupid to be sucked back into forgiving him. He put on a really good show.

I hugged him, I forgave him, and I told him if he ever fucked with me again that was it. Third chance is last chance. He cried harder, hugged me tighter and said that would never happen.

I dont even want to spell out the next bit. In fact I kind of dont remember the ins and outs of what happened. Needless to say… The bastard broke my heart. He fucked with me again.

And I was a broken person. I didnt smile, I didnt laugh, I barely conversed. I rarely ate, I threw up what I did. I got spotty. I wore boys clothes, slept a lot. I didnt go out except to school and dance classes.

My friends at dancing noticed.

My friends at school noticed.

People who werent my friends at school noticed.

My family noticed.

I think I must have loved him. You dont really hurt unless you do, do you.

The worst was over after a couple of weeks. I smiled again, perked up a bit. But closure didnt come for a long, long time.

I had really great people helping me through that. I remember most vividly MM, CS, MC, LS and LM.

The fucker tried to worm his way back into my life at least three times. I block his advances every time. No thanks. He has a girlfriend. She was involved indirectly in our saga. I dont hate her at all. I wish I felt bad for her for letting him in again and letting him stay, but I dont. Im not jealous though. NB got really fat. Hahahaha.

Thats the first time iv gone over that in a long, long time. Thats good, isnt it?

—out.x

Get it yet?

ps. how emo do i think i am. if only one of these girls was me…

I blocked a LOT of stuff out from this point onwards till I was about 18, so when I say my memory is hazy, I mean it.

Certain events I can recall like it was yesterday, but other things I just cannot put my finger on.

Like timelines.

I cannot 100% remember which guy came first with guy number 7 and the second ghost. I think it happened this way around, so thats how im writing it… but I genuinely cant be sure.

Bring on 7 and ghost2. Big time therapy here.

:)

This was one of number7s favourite songs.

Bastard.

JL.

Thats really all I need to say to get over this one.

I thought he was really nice.

He wasnt.

But he wasnt the worst.

—out.x

I dont really like this memory. Although with this number6 I do get great rebel points.

It must have been year10. Thats right. Nothing milestone-ish between year7/8 and 10 that I can remember.

There were two gcse M classes. I was in one, the higher, and this guy, JC, was in the other. Somehow this guy managed to work his way into my radar - we werent friends, we didnt have the same circles, nothing - and I have no idea how it happened, but suddenly I was sneaking to practice rooms to kiss him.

The fact that I dont remember how any of this happened, even though now this is only 5-6 years ago, makes me think I blocked bits out on purpose. Trauma is a funny thing!

He never wanted me to do anything to him. I just remember he always wanted me. He wanted to go to first, second and third bases - in these practice rooms. I, being a genuinely innocent 14/15 year old, had had no experience with most of second base, and certainly none in third base.. I didnt want anything to do with that.

In the end I let him go to second once or twice. God knows why. Kissing was enough for me - rebellious enough for me… But not for a boy. So second it was. I probably even pretended to enjoy it. He actually tried to go to third once and I immediately stopped him. What the hell…

I remember being caught by a friend once. She saw exactly what was going on, and I lied to her face, told her something worse so she would forget what had just happened. It worked.

I remember him trying to touch me in a lesson once. I was not happy about that. But I didnt stop him straight away. Im pretty sure the teacher saw. But she didnt say anything.

Jesus Christ.

Writing this down makes me realise it was worse than what it always seemed in my head.

Oh hiya therapy.

To lighten the mood… I remember finding out this boy had done stuff with two other people in my year. Both of them MALE. I got 100% proof of that too. That was a funny day.

Thats 6.

—out.x

i almost believe this is how guy number 6’s brain worked. anyone. anywhere. anytime. he just needed a body. and i let him have mine for a while.