I can vent my own idiocies.

I dont really like this memory. Although with this number6 I do get great rebel points.

It must have been year10. Thats right. Nothing milestone-ish between year7/8 and 10 that I can remember.

There were two gcse M classes. I was in one, the higher, and this guy, JC, was in the other. Somehow this guy managed to work his way into my radar - we werent friends, we didnt have the same circles, nothing - and I have no idea how it happened, but suddenly I was sneaking to practice rooms to kiss him.

The fact that I dont remember how any of this happened, even though now this is only 5-6 years ago, makes me think I blocked bits out on purpose. Trauma is a funny thing!

He never wanted me to do anything to him. I just remember he always wanted me. He wanted to go to first, second and third bases - in these practice rooms. I, being a genuinely innocent 14/15 year old, had had no experience with most of second base, and certainly none in third base.. I didnt want anything to do with that.

In the end I let him go to second once or twice. God knows why. Kissing was enough for me - rebellious enough for me… But not for a boy. So second it was. I probably even pretended to enjoy it. He actually tried to go to third once and I immediately stopped him. What the hell…

I remember being caught by a friend once. She saw exactly what was going on, and I lied to her face, told her something worse so she would forget what had just happened. It worked.

I remember him trying to touch me in a lesson once. I was not happy about that. But I didnt stop him straight away. Im pretty sure the teacher saw. But she didnt say anything.

Jesus Christ.

Writing this down makes me realise it was worse than what it always seemed in my head.

Oh hiya therapy.

To lighten the mood… I remember finding out this boy had done stuff with two other people in my year. Both of them MALE. I got 100% proof of that too. That was a funny day.

Thats 6.

—out.x